Poise has been on my mind for a while now, but I was inspired by one of my favourite blogs The Daily Connoisseur to address the cultivating of poise in children. I love that I'm not the only one who sees the common void of poise in society, particularly of concern is the sloppy, derogatory behaviour portrayed in the media directed at children. (Happy Gilmore is a classic example of the Anti-Poise). I would like to add to her thoughts that social skills like poise, good grooming, and manners help kids and teens have a positive self-image that they desperately need right now. Skills such as poise can help them stand out in a competitive world and lead them to more successful lives.
What is Poise?
Poise is presenting yourself in a dignified manner through grooming, posture, behaviour, attitudes, composure, and restraint. Poise is not arrogance, it is gentle words, thoughts, and treatment.
Let's get started........
HOW TO TEACH YOUR KIDS POISE
1. Start with cleanliness - Bathe daily, have a well-maintained hair cut, excellent oral care, and tidy clothing. Help your child form good habits, creating a cheat sheet to-do list on the bathroom mirror if it will help. Sometimes kids are resistant, but try inspiring them by buying a fun spinning toothbrush, setting up a reward system, or reading books about grooming. Teach them not to do their grooming in public, including clipping nails or cleaning out their ears. Never pick at body parts in public. Hopefully the children react by feeling better about themselves, which is the greatest reward.
Maintain a clean bedroom, backpack, desk at school, and possessions such as bikes or scooters. Talk to your child about the benefits of being organized, knowing where everything is, and keeping things in good working order and set aside times to accomplish these things together until they show independence.
Artist Johann F. Dietler, images courtesy www.iamachild.wordpress.com
2. Dress your best - Regularly check clothing for holes, fraying, stains, and proper fit. Teach your children to become expert stain removers, how to repair simple holes, and sewing on buttons. Hang clothing immediately out of the dryer, or teach your child how to iron and use starch. I am of the opinion that collared shirts are much nicer than T-shirts, though I do like the way they look layered. Each child should have belts that match their shoes and know how to tuck in their shirts properly. Explain to children how we dress appropriately for different occasions and weather conditions. Check yourself in a mirror before you leave the house each day, and never hide your hands in your pockets.
Artist Johann F. Dietler, images courtesy www.iamachild.wordpress.com
3. Posture - Head should be up with the chin level with the floor to facilitate eye contact. Shoulders should be relaxed, chest slightly out, and abdomen slightly in. Arms should be held at the sides. The back should be straight. When sitting, keep the torso and head as when you are standing, but either cross the legs or put them together and softly set to the side. Never sit with your legs apart. Never rock back on your hind chair legs, keep your hands in your lap or within your personal space. Never slouch, hunch, or lean. If the chair or couch is a fluffy one, sit on the edge so its easier to keep posture. Enter a room with the intention of leaving it exactly the way it should be.
Traditionally, children were expected to balance a book on their head while they walked to practice poise. You're welcome to set up a relay race if you feel so inclined. Explain to children to maintain an open body posture (torso aimed at the group, avoid turning your back to people, avoid folding your arms and twitching your legs to give a bored or unimpressed appearance).
Posture is easier to keep when you have toned muscles. If you're serious about poise, enrol your child in ballet, ballroom, or gymnastics where they will be educated further about presenting themselves gracefully.
Artist Johann F. Dietler, images courtesy www.iamachild.wordpress.com
4. Be Gentle - This is difficult, because the trend in society is harshness. The media continues to portrait women in violent roles against their nature, and both men and women are portrayed as unfeeling killers. Consider the exposure your kids have to the hardening of the world, and determine if changes need to be made in entertainment and activities to promote kindness and find good role models. Explain that being kind to your enemies is not cowardly, it's being strong. Gentleness is not weakness at all, in fact it is self-control. Some rules of being gentle:
- Speak softly, never yell.
- Step slowly, never run.
- Be calm, never stress.
- Sooth others, never hurt.
- Touch rarely, never disturb.
- Think positively, never dismay.
6. Conflict Resolution - I get so embarrassed for the parents who scream at the referee during their kids' games, or the adult who can't get beyond racial or religious differences (the world is big enough for all types, people). I feel sorry for drivers who can't control their road rage. I'm disappointed in the poor decisions made by people in the public eye who can't admit mistakes or swallow their pride. Sportsmanship, teamwork, peace making, empathy, humility and problem solving are skills we should expect of our kids and ourselves. When you notice people behaving badly, tell your kids about it and discuss what could have been done instead. Walk them through their own conflict resolutions and let them explore actions that will wield the best results. Surprise them and ask for their advice in a sticky situation you are encountering.
Artist Johann F. Dietler, images courtesy www.iamachild.wordpress.com
7. Boundaries - Having boundaries means limiting your actions to what is considerate to others. This is a really broad term, but I'm going to list some essentials.
- Never use or touch other people's belongings without asking, and when you do, treat it delicately. Replace or compensate if you break something.
- Never enter the private areas or upstairs of other people's homes or invite yourself over/in
- Never enter someone else's personal space (18 inches to 3 feet surrounding a person)
- Talk to adults as superiors, and address them with their appropriate titles Mr., Mrs, or Doctor, or President, never casually like you do your friends
- Shake hands with males, but males should never extend a hand to a female. Females can choose who they want to extend a hand to.
- Think before you speak. Is it pertinent? Is it true? Is it essential? Is it kind? Do I have the authority to share that information? Will it be interesting to them?
- Never yell for someone's attention, go to them personally
Artist Johann F. Dietler, images courtesy www.iamachild.wordpress.com
8. Choose Your Words Wisely - Swearing will never be acceptable to someone with poise, as well as potty humour or crude talk. Sometimes adults have common terms that have become acceptable in society that are actually quite vulgar, so never say something that you aren't completely sure what it means or where it came from. Teach the children to look straight into someone's eyes when they are talking, and give a clear, concise response. Gossip, negativity, sarcasm, and mockery should never be initiated by you, and if you are pulled into a conversation, divert it or politely leave the conversation. Never advise or criticize unless your opinion is specifically asked for. Never boast or dominate conversations. Don't be one of those people who is turning every conversation back around to themselves, one upping every story rather than showing sympathy. Never include yourself in someone else's conversation, and don't start conversations that are loud enough that strangers can't avoid.
My list may not be all encompassing, but it is a decent beginning. We will be working on these ideas in our Family Home Evenings and practicing these behaviours at home to see what needs to be added to the list.
What are your thoughts on poise in our society?
How do you plan on increasing poise in your children?
Are there any recommendations that you do not agree with?
