Large Family Logistics - How To Teach Kids Poise

The friends and family who know us well are snickering right now, because we aren't exactly the poster family for poise.  However, we want to be, and experts need to start at the beginning don't they?

Poise has been on my mind for a while now, but I was inspired by one of my favourite blogs The Daily Connoisseur to address the cultivating of poise in children.  I love that I'm not the only one who sees the common void of poise in society, particularly of concern is the sloppy, derogatory behaviour portrayed in the media directed at children.  (Happy Gilmore is a classic example of the Anti-Poise).  I would like to add to her thoughts that social skills like poise, good grooming, and manners help kids and teens have a positive self-image that they desperately need right now.  Skills such as poise can help them stand out in a competitive world and lead them to more successful lives.

What is Poise?

Poise is presenting yourself in a dignified manner through grooming, posture, behaviour, attitudes, composure, and restraint.  Poise is not arrogance, it is gentle words, thoughts, and treatment.

Let's get started........

HOW TO TEACH YOUR KIDS POISE

1.  Start with cleanliness - Bathe daily, have a well-maintained hair cut, excellent oral care, and tidy clothing.  Help your child form good habits, creating a cheat sheet to-do list on the bathroom mirror if it will help.  Sometimes kids are resistant, but try inspiring them by buying a fun spinning toothbrush, setting up a reward system, or reading books about grooming.  Teach them not to do their grooming in public, including clipping nails or cleaning out their ears.  Never pick at body parts in public.  Hopefully the children react by feeling better about themselves, which is the greatest reward. 

Maintain a clean bedroom, backpack, desk at school, and possessions such as bikes or scooters.  Talk to your child about the benefits of being organized, knowing where everything is, and keeping things in good working order and set aside times to accomplish these things together until they show independence. 

Artist Johann F. Dietler, images courtesy www.iamachild.wordpress.com

2.  Dress your best - Regularly check clothing for holes, fraying, stains, and proper fit.  Teach your children to become expert stain removers, how to repair simple holes, and sewing on buttons.  Hang clothing immediately out of the dryer, or teach your child how to iron and use starch.  I am of the opinion that collared shirts are much nicer than T-shirts, though I do like the way they look layered.  Each child should have belts that match their shoes and know how to tuck in their shirts properly.  Explain to children how we dress appropriately for different occasions and weather conditions.  Check yourself in a mirror before you leave the house each day, and never hide your hands in your pockets.

Artist Johann F. Dietler, images courtesy www.iamachild.wordpress.com

3.  Posture - Head should be up with the chin level with the floor to facilitate eye contact.  Shoulders should be relaxed, chest slightly out, and abdomen slightly in.  Arms should be held at the sides.  The back should be straight.  When sitting, keep the torso and head as when you are standing, but either cross the legs or put them together and softly set to the side.  Never sit with your legs apart.  Never rock back on your hind chair legs, keep your hands in your lap or within your personal space.  Never slouch, hunch, or lean.  If the chair or couch is a fluffy one, sit on the edge so its easier to keep posture.  Enter a room with the intention of leaving it exactly the way it should be.

Traditionally, children were expected to balance a book on their head while they walked to practice poise.  You're welcome to set up a relay race if you feel so inclined.  Explain to children to maintain an open body posture (torso aimed at the group, avoid turning your back to people, avoid folding your arms and twitching your legs to give a bored or unimpressed appearance).

Posture is easier to keep when you have toned muscles.  If you're serious about poise, enrol your child in ballet, ballroom, or gymnastics where they will be educated further about presenting themselves gracefully.

Artist Johann F. Dietler, images courtesy www.iamachild.wordpress.com

4.  Be Gentle -  This is difficult, because the trend in society is harshness.  The media continues to portrait women in violent roles against their nature, and both men and women are portrayed as unfeeling killers.  Consider the exposure your kids have to the hardening of the world, and determine if changes need to be made in entertainment and activities to promote kindness and find good role models.  Explain that being kind to your enemies is not cowardly, it's being strong.  Gentleness is not weakness at all, in fact it is self-control.  Some rules of being gentle:

• Speak softly, never yell. 
• Step slowly, never run.
• Be calm, never stress.
• Sooth others, never hurt.
• Touch rarely, never disturb.
• Think positively, never dismay.

 

 

Artist Johann F. Dietler, images courtesy www.iamachild.wordpress.com

 

5.  Smile and Demeanour - Teach your kids to be cheerful as often as possible, but in a courteous way.  Laughing loudly, knee slapping, and joking too much is rude.  However, so is a Debbie Downer, saying "I'm bored", being listless, pouting and whining.  Hold a mirror up to the child's face and let them see how they look.  Better than that, video tape them and play it back.  Discuss how their emotions, attitudes, and behaviours affect everyone around them and contribute to their reputation and people's opinion of you.  Being positive in dark moments is not fake, it is being hopeful and optimistic. 

 

 

Artist Johann F. Dietler, images courtesy www.iamachild.wordpress.com

6.  Conflict Resolution - I get so embarrassed for the parents who scream at the referee during their kids' games, or the adult who can't get beyond racial or religious differences (the world is big enough for all types, people).  I feel sorry for drivers who can't control their road rage.  I'm disappointed in the poor decisions made by people in the public eye who can't admit mistakes or swallow their pride.  Sportsmanship, teamwork, peace making, empathy, humility and problem solving are skills we should expect of our kids and ourselves.  When you notice people behaving badly, tell your kids about it and discuss what could have been done instead.  Walk them through their own conflict resolutions and let them explore actions that will wield the best results.  Surprise them and ask for their advice in a sticky situation you are encountering. 

Artist Johann F. Dietler, images courtesy www.iamachild.wordpress.com

7.  Boundaries - Having boundaries means limiting your actions to what is considerate to others.  This is a really broad term, but I'm going to list some essentials.

• Never use or touch other people's belongings without asking, and when you do, treat it delicately.  Replace or compensate if you break something. 
• Never enter the private areas or upstairs of other people's homes or invite yourself over/in
• Never enter someone else's personal space (18 inches to 3 feet surrounding a person)
• Talk to adults as superiors, and address them with their appropriate titles Mr., Mrs, or Doctor, or President, never casually like you do your friends
• Shake hands with males, but males should never extend a hand to a female.  Females can choose who they want to extend a hand to.
• Think before you speak.  Is it pertinent?  Is it true?  Is it essential?  Is it kind?  Do I have the authority to share that information?  Will it be interesting to them? 
• Never yell for someone's attention, go to them personally

Artist Johann F. Dietler, images courtesy www.iamachild.wordpress.com

8.  Choose Your Words Wisely - Swearing will never be acceptable to someone with poise, as well as potty humour or crude talk.  Sometimes adults have common terms that have become acceptable in society that are actually quite vulgar, so never say something that you aren't completely sure what it means or where it came from.  Teach the children to look straight into someone's eyes when they are talking, and give a clear, concise response.  Gossip, negativity, sarcasm, and mockery should never be initiated by you, and if you are pulled into a conversation, divert it or politely leave the conversation.  Never advise or criticize unless your opinion is specifically asked for.  Never boast or dominate conversations.  Don't be one of those people who is turning every conversation back around to themselves, one upping every story rather than showing sympathy.  Never include yourself in someone else's conversation, and don't start conversations that are loud enough that strangers can't avoid.

My list may not be all encompassing, but it is a decent beginning.  We will be working on these ideas in our Family Home Evenings and practicing these behaviours at home to see what needs to be added to the list.

What are your thoughts on poise in our society?

How do you plan on increasing poise in your children?

Are there any recommendations that you do not agree with?

Shopping in New Zealand - The American Store

 Shopping In New Zealand

Now we love New Zealand food, but every now and again we get a hankering for some good old fashioned American treats.  About 25 minutes south of us in Mt. Wellington is a fantastic little store, Martha's Backyard. 





Here's a view of driving on the other side of the road if you've never seen it. 

 

What would you miss the most if you left the United States?

 

I consider Cheerios to be an American icon.  General Mills took something as simple as oats and turned it into a successful household product since 1941. At $8.00 per box, I am tempted but end up passing.  If I don't get multiple boxes, there will be fights.  Better to avoid that while I still can.

 

 Ok I realize that most of our purchases would normally be found on the Hispanic aisle, but this is what we miss the most.... salsa, queso, and enchiladas.

 I must confess, nothing tasted as good as we remembered. 

In fact, being in a country for the last 18  months where we've prepared almost everything from scratch, we found that a lot of American food tastes.......well, plastic!  You can almost taste the packaging.  Like Space Food :( 

What would you miss the most if you left the United States?

Which foods taste better from the store vs.  from scratch?

Large Family Logistics - How Do You Afford All Those Kids? 6 Ways We Provide For Our Large Family On One Income - Reader's Question Answered

Large family living is a strange concept for some, especially when it comes to money.  I get a lot of questions about our finances, what my husband does for a living, whether or not we are on government assistance, and how we manage to live on one income.  People often make assumptions about us that range from "Wow you must be really rich!" to "Wow you must be really poor!", and neither of these statements are true.   We're just DIFFERENT.  Let me show 6 Ways We Provide for Our Large Family On One Income.

We have taken advantage of the practical skills we have learned through our church, our parents, and through our own personal study.  My husband and I made our college education a priority for each of us, he has a Master's degree in Computer Science and I am a Registered Nurse, though I do not work currently.  His education has allowed him to get a job to support a growing family, and I use what I've learned at home to care for my family and keep our medical expenses low.  All these factors contribute to our ability to provide for the family and need to be mentioned.

6 Ways We Provide For Our Large Family On One Income

1.  We Don't Spend Too Much On Housing
Housing is by far the largest expense for most families, and saving on housing is a dramatic way to increase the disposable income left over each pay check.  I did some research and found these facts from NZ Government Statistics:

• the bulk of New Zealand households spend 25-40% of their income on housing (Americans spend even more, more out of choice than requirement, depending on the region)
• our family spends 18% of our income on housing, about half of the social norm

The result is we look poorer than we are and maybe live in an area that might be below our income's standards.  We do NOT have a large home.  There are 11 of us in approximately 1300 square ft.  That's 4 bedrooms/2 bathrooms.  We're cool with this, though.  The sacrifice is temporary while we're focusing on raising our family.  *Added bonus, the desire to keep up with your neighbours is reduced when they have less than you.

 

2.  We Do Not Drive Flashy Cars
To avoid debt, we've paid cash for our cars OR bought cars that we can pay off painlessly within one year.  There have been periods of time when we have only had one car for all 11 of us, having to take 2 trips while we saved up for the second vehicle.  Yes, it was a little embarrassing and cumbersome, but our family is free of financial strain, and that makes for a happy home.  My husband saves a significant amount money each week by taking the bus into the city.  He has a 20 minute walk each way, but he finds it invigorating.

• let other people pay interest on an auto loan, its not for us
• older cars cost less to insure and make great cars for teenage drivers
• public transportation is a beautiful thing

3.  We Cook From Scratch
A trip to McDonald's for Combo Meals and Happy Meals would cost my family $83, but only if no one upgraded anything.  I guarantee they'd all be hungry in an hour.  I can make my Spicy Ranch Burgers and Rosemary Roasted Potatoes for under $20, and that would include rolls, a green salad, and dessert.  With a little ingenuity, we spend less on food per person than many of our 'small' family friends.

• when we splurge for fast food, we get $1 drinks or $ .70 ice cream cones
• dinners are selected from a list of meals I've priced to cost $12 or under
• kids and husband typically take home-prepared lunches
• we practice many cooking techniques to save on convenience foods like tortillas, breads, pasta, sauces, yogurt, and curries
• we don't have expensive habits like coffee, alcohol, or smoking

4.  We Are OK With Second Hand Clothing and Furniture
Some readers might squirm at the thought of having stuff that has been used by someone else, and I confess I struggle with this still on occasion in some categories.  For a large family on a budget, second hand is just a part of life.  Over the last 20 years I have evolved from believing it was shameful, to thinking 'hey this makes sense', to 'wow, what else can we get second hand?' 

Most of my friends and family know we are OK with second hand items, and like to use us as a dumping ground for their old things.  The understanding is we will go through their stuff, take what we want, and pass what we don't want on to someone else. 

• we reuse, repurpose, recycle and we're PROUD OF IT
• we sanitize everything (a $5 box of Legos from the second hand store scrubbed with a brush and soaked in bleach water over night looks EXACTLY like new ones)
• we've been known to have a lot of fun with the kids redoing furniture and making it look new again
• we've got standards.  I won't tolerate clothing or items that are dingy, stained, or ripped and know when to say "This item is no longer good enough for us".  I'm a lot more lenient on toddler clothing and play clothes, but large families need to look nice, too. 

5.  We Use Out-dated Technology and Entertainment
Have you ever noticed how quickly the value of electronics plummets as soon as the newer version is released?  We cling to the older versions and buy used games, used consoles, and I believe our laptop is a display model.  Our home phone has a cord.  Our cellular phones are pay-as-you-go and bottom of the line. We do splurge on gifts, so we do have the occasional cool gadget, but for the most part we are a good decade behind our friends.

• our movies and music are electronically purchased on Xbox Live, Netflix, and iTunes so they can be seen over and over again, and best of all, won't get lost or ruined.  We do not frequent the cinema unless its the- movie- we've- all- been- waiting- for.
• our books are all electronic on a family shared Kindle account, then we have a few family tablets to split between us all
• we don't do the library or video stores.  For some reason, we are cursed and cannot return them on time and in one piece

A rare splurge for the Avengers movie.  The cheeky grin is priceless  :)

6.  We Prepare For Financial Storms Before They Hit
Rarely do people go through this life and experience perpetual prosperity.  Storms are bound to hit, and the question is 'when' and not 'if' these storms will occur.  When trouble hits a large family, the fall is hard and recovery is long.  Prevention is our responsibility, and we take it seriously.  Here's a list of our favourite ways to prepare and sleep at night with a peace of mind that our little ones' needs will be met.

• have an emergency savings
• store food, water, fuel, and supplies
• have a network of professionals in your field who can help you find work
• develop DIY talents like gardening, sewing, animal husbandry, and home repair
• life insurance, living wills, retirement savings, and owning land are good things

Raising a large family on one income is a challenge, but with some old-fashioned tricks and self-restraint, it can be done.  We don't feel like we're missing out on anything.  In fact, my kids have told me they'd much rather have our happy family than all the gifts in the world.

"A fool and his money are easily parted." -Benjamin Franklin


Do you live on one income?
Are you willing to shop second hand?
What luxuries are you NOT willing to part with?

Large Family Logistics - The Ultimate Mom Bag (aka Diaper Bag)

In the early years of being a mother, I carried a pretty hefty diaper bag.  It was back breaking, and I found I wasn't using a lot of the stuff I packed and lugged around continually.  I began to think it was unnecessary and I needed to lighten the load. 

This lead to an evolving thinning of my diaper bag for when I had my third, and even up until having my eighth.  My diaper bag had been reduced to a small purse for my wallet, keys, and a spare diaper. 
The downside of this method is you may need to run home for missing items, and possibly an embarrassing moment of having to borrow something from another mom.

My evolution has come full circle.  I simply don't have time to run home or miss anything.  Its time for a complete diaper bag make-over.  I'm calling it the Ultimate Mom bag.  Its got everything.  Do I carry this thing around with me all the time?  Yes and No.  Sometimes it just stays in the car, but its always close by.  I've separated the list into age groups if you want only supplies for certain ages, but for a mom with the whole spread of kids, this bag will not let you down!

How To Prepare the Ultimate Mom Bag

The First Year

Diapers
Wipes
Petroleum Jelly/A & D Ointment/Butt Paste
Onesie
Sleeper with feet
Bibs
Burp Cloth
Receiving Blanket
Teether Toy
Small rolled blanket
Canned Formula OR Water Bottle and Baby Bottle with measured powder formula inside
OR Breast Pads and Nursing Cover
Pacifier
Diaper Changing Pad
Non-perishable snacks
Infant Tylenol and dropper
Little Noses with aspirator
Thermometer
Infant nail clipper
Plastic bag for wet clothes
Diaper sacks for soiled diapers
Copies of Immunizations
Socks
Beanie

For Mom

Sunglasses
Extra set of house and car keys
Wallet
Cell phone with car charger
Kindle (when waiting for kids)
Lip balm
Travel lotion
Make up essentials
Non-perishable snack
Hair Brush
Bobby Pins and Elastics
Pads and Tampon
Hat
Ibuprofen
Water Bottle
Gum or breath mints
Emergency Cash
Hand Sanitizer

For Everyone

Umbrella or poncho
Sun Cream
Insect Repellent
Basic First Aid (Bandaids, ointment, hot/cold packs)
Allergy medication
Nail Care Kit
Toilet Paper or Facial Tissues (for nose bleeds)
Q- tips and cotton balls
Scissors
Bleach Pen

The Second Year Through Preschool

Training Pants or Underwear
Extra Clothing
Snacks
Wipes
Picture Book
Toys (crayons and tiny notebook)
Gender Neutral Flip-Flops (for when they forget or lose shoes)
Hair clips, elastics, brush for girls
Combs and hair gel for boys
Children's Tylenol
Copies of Immunizations

Ages 5-18

Emergency Bag of Smarties or lollies (for sharing with the class/team)
Watch and/or cell phone
Extra set of car, house, bike, and locker keys
Pens, Pencils, Calculator
Lunch money/Bus money
Deodorant
Water Bottle
Hat
Pads and tampon
Hair brush and accessories
Basic make up
Gender neutral sport shorts (black or navy)
Gender neutral black flip flops to avoid shoe crises
Back up extra-curricular necessities (mini towel, violin rosin, guitar picks, mouth guards, shin guards, sports socks, etc.)


Does all this fit in a single bag?  It does!

Soothing Milk, Honey, and Oatmeal Bath

Soothing Skin Chemical-Free with a Milk, Honey, and Oat Bath

One of my guilty pleasures is stealing away for an hour in a hot bath with the eBook tablet.  Having 9 kids, there really isn't a time when I'm not needed, but I take my bath anyway.  Often someone is still crying, even kicking my door or looking through the cracks yelling, "Mom I know you're in there!"  "Mom are you done yet?"  Its a bit of a challenge to relax with that kind of commotion, but what can I do?  I need to take care of me at some point in the day.

As a family we've decided to be more aware of the chemicals we introduce into the home and to avoid unnecessary toxins.  I tossed my normal bubble bath product for an old fashioned technique by using natural ingredients I had in my pantry.  I knew that oatmeal was great externally for rash, eczema, and chaffing, so we found this recipe for personal use.  It took courage to enjoy it because there were all these floaties, but once I stepped in I felt the oats soothing my skin.  If you can't handle the floaties, just tie the ingredients into a cheese cloth and let it steep while you bathe.  The smell is wonderful, too.  You'll notice that it softens skin, so take the opportunity to scrub heels and elbows with a pumice stone.  After the bath, rinse off and apply your favorite moisturizer.  I love Palmer's Cocoa Butter.

Since my initial testing, I have given my 6 month old baby a Milk, Honey, and Oat bath that soothed his nappie rash.  My daughter who suffers from ezcema has also enjoyed it, and now we want to share it with you:

Milk, Honey and Oatmeal Bath

3 cups powdered or fresh organic milk
2 cups dry oats
1 cup raw organic honey
1/2 cup baking soda or epsom salts

Draw a full bath of hot water.  As its filling up, add the above ingredients and stir well.  If you don't like the idea of oatmeal floaties in your bath, you can make a sachet of oats in a cheesecloth, tie at the top, and let it steep. For best results, bathe for 30 minutes or more.  Enjoy!